What I Did With My Neighbour When My Parents Weren’t Around Still Haunts Me

What I Did With My Neighbour When My Parents Weren’t Around Still Haunts Me

I don’t even know how to start this one… my heart is beating fast right now. I’ve typed and deleted like ten times. Gospello please hide my identity before I disgrace myself here.

When I was younger, maybe like 14 or so, my parents used to leave me at home sometimes. We had this neighbour… older than me, maybe 19. At first it was just play… gist, helping with assignments, small-small things. But one day… it crossed the line.

I don’t even know how to explain it… but something happened between us. Something that shouldn’t have. I was scared, confused, but also curious. And it didn’t just happen once. Anytime my parents weren’t around, he’d find a way to come. I never told anyone. I was too ashamed.

Now that I’m grown, I can’t stop thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder if it was abuse or if I agreed. But how could I have agreed? I was a child. I keep asking myself questions like… was it my fault? Did I invite it? Did I lead him on? Or was I just taken advantage of?

You know what I noticed? That whole experience messed up my view of relationships. Even now, when I’m with someone I like, I struggle with guilt. I feel dirty. I feel like I lost something too early. Sometimes during worship in church, the memory just flashes and I can’t even sing.

And it still haunts me… every single day. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve begged God to wipe it from my mind. But it’s still there. And the worst part… nobody knows. Not even my closest friend.

Please… whoever reads this… just pray for me. I don’t want to carry this shame forever. I want to be free. I want to stop seeing myself as that scared child. I want to believe God can heal even this.

…Gospello please hide my identity.