If He’s Over 35 and Still Single, Something is Wrong (RED FLAGS)

Let me start by saying this… I know some of you are about to drag me in the comments before you even finish reading. But hear me out first. I’m not saying every man over 35 who’s single is damaged goods. What I’m saying is that when you meet a man who’s been on this earth for over three decades and has never been in a serious relationship or made any real attempt at commitment, you need to ask some serious questions.

My friend Adunni met this fine man at a wedding last year. Tall, handsome, successful lawyer, owns his house, drives a nice car. Everything looked perfect on paper. She was so excited, calling me to say “I think I’ve found the one!” But when we started digging deeper into his history, red flags started showing up like Lagos traffic on a Monday morning.

He’s Never Been in a Serious Long-Term Relationship

This one is tricky because some women think they’ve hit the jackpot… “No baby mama drama, no ex-wife wahala, fresh start!” But sister, if a grown man has never been able to maintain a relationship for more than six months to a year, what makes you think you’ll be different?

There’s a difference between a man who had serious relationships that didn’t work out due to incompatibility or circumstances, and a man who has never allowed anyone to get close enough to truly know him. The first scenario shows he’s capable of commitment but hasn’t found the right person. The second scenario shows he might have commitment issues or other problems he’s been hiding.

He’s Too Comfortable in His Bachelor Lifestyle

Some men reach a certain age and become so set in their ways that they can’t imagine sharing their space, their decisions, or their life with anyone. They’ve structured everything around themselves… their schedule, their apartment setup, their social life, their finances. The thought of compromise feels like imprisonment to them.

You’ll notice this when he talks about his routine like it’s written in stone, when he can’t imagine anyone else having input in his decisions, or when the idea of considering someone else’s needs feels foreign to him. He might enjoy your company, but the thought of actually blending lives together scares him more than NEPA bill.

He Has Unrealistic or Constantly Changing Standards

This is the man who’s been looking for the “perfect woman” for 15 years but his definition of perfect keeps changing. At 25, he wanted a virgin who could cook like his mother. At 30, he wanted a career woman who was also domestic. At 35, he wants someone independent but submissive, educated but not too opinionated.

He’s been window shopping for so long that he’s forgotten relationships require work, compromise, and accepting that no one will check every single box on his list. Meanwhile, he’s probably not checking every box on anyone else’s list either, but somehow that reality hasn’t occurred to him.

He Has Unresolved Issues with Women

Some men carry baggage from their mother, their sisters, or past relationships that they’ve never dealt with. Maybe his mother was controlling, so he runs from any woman who has opinions. Maybe he was hurt badly once and decided to never be vulnerable again. Maybe he has deep-seated trust issues that he’s never worked through.

Watch how he talks about women in general… his female colleagues, his sisters, his mother, his exes. If there’s a pattern of him having problems with every woman in his life, the problem isn’t the women. If he consistently paints himself as the victim in every female relationship story, run.

He’s Selfish and Doesn’t Even Know It

Years of living only for himself can make a man incredibly selfish without him realizing it. He’s used to making every decision based on what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it. The concept of “we” instead of “I” feels unnatural to him.

You’ll see this in small things first… he always chooses the restaurant, the movie, the time to meet, without asking what you prefer. He makes weekend plans without considering that you might have your own schedule. When you bring up your needs or preferences, he acts surprised, like it never occurred to him that you might have your own opinions about things.

But Wait… Let Me Give You the Other Side

Now, before you start side-eyeing every single man over 35, let me tell you about the exceptions. Some good men are single at 35+ for very valid reasons. Maybe they spent their twenties and early thirties building their career or business. Maybe they were taking care of sick parents or younger siblings. Maybe they were in long relationships that didn’t work out due to circumstances beyond their control.

Some men are intentionally single because they’re working on themselves… going to therapy, dealing with past trauma, building financial stability, or growing spiritually. These men know they weren’t ready before, but they’re preparing to be ready now. There’s a big difference between a man who’s running from commitment and a man who’s preparing for it.

How to Tell the Difference

The key is in his attitude and self-awareness. A man who’s single for good reasons will be able to explain his journey without making excuses or blaming others. He’ll acknowledge areas where he needed to grow and show evidence that he’s actually done the work. He’ll talk about wanting partnership and be able to discuss what that looks like practically.

But the man with issues will always have someone else to blame… his exes were crazy, women these days have impossible standards, his career didn’t allow time for relationships (but somehow allowed time for everything else). He’ll have excuses for everything but no real insight into his own patterns or contribution to his relationship failures.

The Bottom Line

I’m not telling you to write off every man over 35 who’s single. What I’m telling you is to be wise and ask the right questions. Don’t get blinded by his house, car, and bank account. Don’t assume that because he’s older, he’s automatically more mature or ready for commitment.

Look at his relationship history, his attitude toward women, his ability to compromise and consider others. Watch how he handles conflict, how he treats service staff, how he talks about his family. These things will tell you more about his character than his age or relationship status ever will.

And ladies, remember that some men are single at 35 not because something is wrong with them, but because they were smart enough to wait until they could be the kind of partner someone deserves. Your job is to figure out which category he falls into before you invest your heart, time, and future in him.

The right man, regardless of age, will make his intentions clear and his actions consistent. Don’t settle for someone who’s still figuring out if he wants to be in a relationship… at 35+, he should already know.