Gospello please hide my identity… I don’t even know how to start this thing. My hands are literally shaking right now. I’ve been staring at this phone for like one hour… type small, delete, type again. Mehn, I’m tired of pretending.
So… everybody in church thinks I’m this “on fire” brother. I sing in choir, I lead prayers sometimes. They see me and say “ah that guy is serious with God.” But deep down… I know I’m dirty. I’ve been struggling with porn for years. It started small in secondary school… one friend just showed me something on his phone and that was it. I thought it was nothing, but it grabbed me.
I hate it. Like genuinely hate it. After every time I watch, I feel so useless… I cry sometimes. I beg God to forgive me. I even deleted my apps, blocked websites… but then one small trigger, one lonely night, and I’m back again. Honestly, I don’t even know if God still hears me sometimes.
You know what I noticed? The more I try to “cover up” in church, the heavier it gets. Like I’m living double life. Leading worship on Sunday, but Saturday night… I’m there falling again. I feel like a fraud. Sometimes I even avoid people because I don’t want anyone to look too deep into my eyes and see guilt.
And the shame sef… it’s eating me alive. I can’t tell my pastor. I can’t tell my parents. Even my closest friend won’t understand. I just keep smiling in public and dying in private.
But wait… am I the only one? Or are there other people like me hiding? Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe God is tired of me sef. I don’t know.
I’ve been wanting to write this for months but fear kept holding me. Tonight, I just had to let it out somewhere… even if nobody replies, at least it’s out of my chest. Please, if anyone sees this, just pray for me. Don’t judge me, I’m already judging myself every single day.
…Gospello please hide my identity.
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