CONFESSION: I Can’t Stop Watching What I Preach Against

CONFESSION: I Can’t Stop Watching What I Preach Against

I don’t even know where to start… my heart is very heavy. This thing has been eating me for long and I just need to let it out.

The truth is… I preach against something I can’t stop doing. I stand in front of people, I warn them, I quote Bible, I tell them “stay away.” But me… when I’m alone… I go right back to it. I feel like a fraud.

It started small… just once in a while. I told myself I had control. I told myself it was just weakness, that I would stop soon. But now… it feels like it owns me. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel. But somehow I still go back.

Every time I fall, I cry and tell God, “this is the last time.” I delete things, I promise Him, I even fast. But give it some days and I’m there again, like I never meant those tears. And then on Sunday, I carry Bible, I preach fire… but deep inside, I know I’m dirty.

Sometimes I ask myself… am I the only one living like this? Talking strong outside, falling weak inside. People see me and say “oh, such a man of God”… if only they knew. If they see what I do in secret, they will never look at me the same.

I keep asking… why can’t I stop? Why do I feel like two people? One side wants God, the other side drags me back into the mess. I love God, I really do, but sometimes I feel like He must be tired of me already. How can He forgive the same sin over and over?

I noticed it happens more when I feel lonely… or stressed… or when my heart is heavy. Instead of praying, I run to the very thing I warn others about. And after I’m done, I feel sick with myself. I hide my tracks, I clear my phone, I smile like all is fine. But it’s not. I’m not fine.

There are times I’m counseling someone and deep down I’m shaking. They look at me like I’m holy… but me, I know I’m not. They hear “man of God”… but I hear “slave.” Imagine preaching freedom while being chained yourself. That’s me.

And then I think… what if one day I don’t even feel guilty again? What if my heart just goes cold? That thought alone scares me more than anything.

I don’t even know why I’m typing this now. Maybe because I’m tired of carrying it. Maybe because the silence is too loud. Maybe God just wanted me to let it out somehow. Or maybe… maybe I just want someone out there to know that even the ones who preach can be broken, can be weak, can be fighting battles nobody sees.