CONFESSION: My Parents Think I’m A Virgin… The Truth Would Break Them

CONFESSION: My Parents Think I’m A Virgin… The Truth Would Break Them

This thing has been eating me up and I swear sometimes I just wish I could vanish so I won’t have to deal with it. Like… my parents dey look at me as this “perfect innocent daughter” wey no dey do nonsense. My mum sef always dey brag to her friends say, “My daughter is not like these other girls outside.” If only she knew the truth ehn…

The truth is… I’m not a virgin. I lost it a long time ago and honestly, the way it even happened still dey pain me sometimes. No fairy tale, no love, just pressure, stupid decision, and me wanting to feel wanted. That’s all. And since then, I just dey live double life. Smiling, nodding, forming “good girl”… but deep inside, I dey scream.

But wait… is it just me? Like… are there other girls hiding the same thing from their parents? Cos sometimes I feel like I’m the only fraud. The guilt dey choke me. Everytime my dad dey pray confidently say, “Lord, keep my daughter pure till her wedding day,” omo… my heart dey bleed.

And the contradiction dey mad. I love God but I hate myself sometimes. Crazy right? I go to church, I lift my hands, I cry… but deep inside I feel dirty. I’ve begged God for forgiveness, I believe He forgave me… but me? I still carry the shame everywhere.

Sometimes I just dey notice pattern… e dey happen when I’m stressed, when I feel lonely, when I want attention. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself. Maybe na me just weak. Cos the cravings still come once in a while, and I fight them, but still…

And abeg, the hypocrisy sef dey vex me. I fit judge other girls in my mind, meanwhile I dey here carrying my own secret baggage. Who am I fooling? Nobody even knows. Everybody just dey see innocent, churchy girl.

But what about marriage? What if the guy I marry finds out? What if I confess one day and he looks at me different? What if my parents ever hear? The day that happens, mehn… it will break them. And that’s what scares me most. I no fit survive their disappointment.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m typing all this now… maybe I just needed to let it out. Cos carrying this thing alone dey heavy. Maybe someone reading will understand, maybe someone is going through the same thing. Or maybe… God just wanted me to finally open my mouth and breathe.

I don’t know how the future go be. But I dey pray say one day, I go really see myself how God sees me — forgiven, loved, and not this broken version I dey carry around. For now… I just dey breathe.