I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It was after church one Sunday, I was on a high, you know? Praise still in my chest. I promised God, aloud, in the carpark. “Never again,” I said, hands shaking, voice small but sure. I meant it. I really did.
Fast forward three months. It started with one stupid night. I had been working late, my head full of deadlines, my phone blowing. I told myself one quick stop. Just this once. Next thing, it was three hours, then morning. I woke up feeling dirty and holy at the same time. That’s the mess. How can you sing in choir on Sunday and feel like you need to hide on Monday?
There was this other time, rainy Tuesday. Power cut. I sat with a candle and my Bible open. I prayed. Then my mind just wandered. I said, “No, not tonight,” but my legs carried me where they shouldn’t go. I promised again. To God. To myself. I even cried. But the shame didn’t stop the next time.
It’s weird how the pattern writes itself. Something triggers it. Stress, loneliness, boredom. Sometimes nothing at all and still it comes. I noticed it shows up when I’m proud too, like punishment, sef. Like God is testing me or maybe I’m testing myself. Don’t ask me which.
I told my friend once. She said, “just be strong.” Easy for her to say. She doesn’t know the nights I whisper apologies into my pillow. She doesn’t know I scroll through messages pretending to be asleep. She doesn’t know I read devotionals and then do the thing anyway. Hypocrisy is heavy. It sits on my chest.
The worst is the lying to myself. I keep thinking this will be the last time. I say the same thing every single time. I know the script now: promise, slip, guilt, repent, repeat. It’s embarrassing. Makes me want to hide from everybody, even from God sometimes.
But here’s the smallest truth, typing this out made the weight shift a little. Not gone. Not fixed. Just moved. Maybe telling the story like this, the slip, the vows, the rainy nights, maybe someone will hear it and know they’re not alone. Maybe God already knew and is still listening.
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